


The Idiot Couple

by BitterAzure



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Don't Read This, First thing I wrote for the fandom, M/M, One Shot Collection, Wow this is so old, oneshots
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-02
Updated: 2015-08-23
Packaged: 2018-03-16 01:31:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,978
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3469406
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BitterAzure/pseuds/BitterAzure
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A collection of not connected, short one-shots of various ratings. AllenKandaAllen. According to the title, they're already together in those.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Romantic

#1 

As much as Allen hated to admit it, there was something bugging him. Not to the extent when he thought about it all the time, but there were certain moments when that one question refused to leave his mind. Like now, for example.   
He was lying in bed with his gorgeous boyfriend, doing nothing in particular besides not wanting to get up because it was Saturday. They were tangled together in a chaotic heap of limbs, but somehow were perfectly okay with it. Allen felt nothing but comfortable and warm. But then again, there was this one little thought nagging him to no end. Frustrated, he opened his eyes with a sigh, no longer able to remain in empty-minded bliss characteristic to lazy mornings. 

"Mmm?", Kanda more groaned than said, still half-sleeping, but apparently feeling something was off. After a moment, he opened one eye, looking sideways at his lover. 

The albino was still lying on him, but he was watching the ceiling with an expression that could only be described as stubborn. 

"What are you sighing for?," he mumbled, simply curious. 

"Just thinking," Allen said offhandedly, but even he did hear the uncertainty in his voice. He didn't have to look up to see Kanda's sceptic gaze, he knew it was there.

"So you can do that after all." For his honestly surprised-sounding voice, the man got himself an elbow to the ribs. To which, he barely reacted at all. 

It was quiet for a while then. Kanda suspected that whatever was bothering the bean sprout, he'll voice it sooner or later, no need to rush him. It turned out to be the sooner. 

"We're together quite long, aren't we?," he began, tone betraying nothing in particular.

"Longer than I thought I could put up with you, yes," Kanda agreed, making Allen smile a little despite himself. 

"Aand... how much you would hate it if I wanted to talk about the serious stuff?"

"Sorry to break it to you, but we technically can't have kids, bean sprout." The long-haired man flicked his lover's forehead to emphasize his point, but all he earned himself for that was a snort. 

It took Allen quite a while to get used to how Kanda behaved when he was relaxed . He wouldn't go as far as to say that he was nice at times like that, but it was undoubtedly true that the man's words and actions had significantly less of the customary bite. Allen really loved him like that... but not only like that, really. Then again, love, huh? The damned thing.   
Now that Allen decided to voice his concerns, he was actually starting to feel more than a little embarrassed. He wasn't going to be stopped by that though. 

"I'm serious, BaKanda. What I meant― I just want to know― do you feel something? For me, I mean." It took Allen all he got not to stutter like a fool. Nervousness clenched at his insides, but he steeled himself not to show it and focused his eyes on some spot on the ceiling. He didn't really need to look at Kanda, he was sure it would do everything but help. The moments of silence stretched for eternity and it got to the point his hands started shaking a bit and he closed them in fists on the sheets to calm down. 

"I do", the low voice he knew so well answered him at last and he felt relief wash over him, his chest constricting pleasantly, but wanted the man to clarify. 

Looking up over at his face, he mumbled "like what?", his throat tightening.

Kanda sat up, making Allen change his position as well and he ended up perched up on his elbows, head turned to the side to observe. "You...", Kanda began, his eyes half-lidded and gaze intense. "Aggravate me as hell. And make me irritated. Angry often. I want to beat the shit out of you more often than not," Kanda finished with a smirk, seemingly not noticing how Allen's expression went from heartbroken to mad as he was speaking the words – words that were not what the albino wanted to hear. 

Jaw tight, Allen said "you're the biggest asshole I’ve ever met, I hope you know that.”

Kanda didn’t look like it hurt him any, the air of self-satisfaction getting even more prominent around him. Allen was then going to get up and make some breakfast for himself, planning to ignore Kanda as well as he could for the rest of the day. The man didn’t let him, however, apparently not feeling like the conversation was over. He pinned his slightly smaller partner’s body down in one fluent movement, leaning in close so that his lips were moving against the other’s as he spoke. 

“Am I? I love you though.”

I took Allen a few seconds to register what was being said to him. His mouth stilled before he could tell Kanda to get off, his heart speeding up drastically. God, he wasn’t even aware how much he really wanted to hear that. Warmth spreading across his whole body, he fought his smile down not to grin like a fool and let his hands rest on Kanda’s back. 

“You really said that,” he laughed airily, giving him a short kiss before saying “I love you, too.”

“Of course you do,” Kanda snorted, but quickly initiated another, deeper, kiss before his lover could call him on that. 

Satisfied with how Allen melted against him, he backed away and managed to smoothly kill the moment just by speaking up. 

"If you're done being a teenage girl then let's go fuck in the shower. I'm not really in the mood for changing sheets." Kanda, apparently back to being a dick he always was, got up and marched naked to the bathroom, leaving the door open in invitation.

"You know what, I take back what I said, you prick," Allen called after him, irritated, despite himself getting up to follow. It's not like he was going to refuse sex, offended or not. And still, he knew he should probably be grateful that Kanda even let him have his sappy moment. 

"Sure thing, bean sprout. Come here and say it with my dick up your ass." Raised voice was followed by the sound of shower water flowing. 

"We'll see about that," the albino mumbled under his breath, shutting the door behind him as he entered.


	2. Secret

#2

“Kanda! Seriously, don’t you think it’s just weird?,” Allen wasn’t really mad, but― didn’t Kanda see how ridiculous he was being?

“What the fuck are you even sputtering about, bean sprout?,” the swordsman gave him a look and went right back to sipping his tea. They were in the cafeteria, tucked into a corner, because Kanda was an antisocial prick. 

“ _That_ ,” Allen said urgently, but then rolled his eyes when Kanda just raised an eyebrow at him. “This whole ‘bean sprout’ thing. Can’t you just call me by my name like normal people?”

And Allen wasn’t really sputtering, but simply telling what was on his mind by the way. Though Kanda sure had a habit of choosing weird words when speaking sometimes. One could say it was a matter of exaggerating, but the albino had a feeling it was something other than that. However, it wasn’t the issue right now. 

“I was raised in _Asia_ , freak. Person’s name is an intimate thing,” he stated in a tone like he thought that what he was saying was reasonable. 

“More intimate that giving people ridiculous nick-names? _Really_?,” Allen stopped eating for a few seconds to show him he was serious. “Besides, don’t you tell me it’s a matter of good manners. It’s _you_ that we’re talking about, bastard,” he pointed out, chewing on his pancakes. “And ‘intimacy’, huh? If that’s how your reasoning goes, you especially should be calling _me_ ‘Allen’ anyway.”

“What makes you think so?,” Kanda scoffed, but knew very well what Allen meant by that. Maybe that’s why he turned his face to the side a little, no longer looking the albino straight in the eye. 

“Sex, Kanda,” Allen deadpanned, honestly not believing he even had to precise. 

“And it makes you unique?” Kanda grimaced, but still refused to face him. 

“ _Yes_. Unless you’re secretly fucking around the whole Order that is.” Allen shrugged, gradually becoming more curious. What was Kanda’s problem? Really. 

“Maybe I am.”

Allen snorted. 

“Where did your possessiveness go?” Kanda crossed his arms on his chest, having already finished drinking. The albino had to say he somehow looked to be pretty uncomfortable.

“I _would_ be jealous if I believed you,” Allen said and observed his partner for a moment, but then merely sighed. “Can’t you just tell me? It’s obvious you’re just trying to make excuses.”

“I’m _not_. Piss off.” 

Kanda was so clearly done with him. He collected his bamboo tray and cup, ready to leave Allen alone, but luck wasn’t on his side. The albino was finishing eating, too, and he wasn’t about to let Kanda go until the man told him the truth.  
Stuffing the last stick of mitarashi dango into his mouth, he hurriedly stood up and took his pile of dishes into his arms, almost running after his lover. It was honestly a miracle the tower didn’t just topple over. 

“Kanda, wait for me!,” he called in a fruitless effort, but managed to quickly hand in his dirty dishes and catch up to the long haired man as he was about to disappear through the door. 

“What do you want?,” Kanda growled, exasperated that the albino ran after him. 

“ _Tell me_.” 

“No!”

“But you _do_ admit you’re hiding something. ” 

Silver eyes drilling holes in his skull made Kanda desperate to end this conversation. 

“I am. _Being with you_ , retard! So stop being so obvious, running after me. _Go away_ ,” Kanda spat, pleased no one was around on the corridor and he could raise his voice to emphasize his point. 

“And that’s why you’re shouting about it?” Allen gave him a sly smile, almost making a vein pop in his forehead. 

“No one is here.”

“ _Exactly_. So tell me,” Allen said victoriously, unknowingly throwing Kanda's logic back in his face. He knew he was being aggravatingly stubborn, but irritated Kanda was more talkative anyway. 

“ _Fuck you_.”

They were getting close to Kanda’s room and the man was aware it was probably his only chance to save himself. He already readied the key, preparing to be quick. 

“You even told me you had a crush on Lenalee when you were younger, how bad can it be?,” Allen insisted. He needed to know. If Kanda was so hell-bent on hiding something like that, it had to be good. 

The swordsman bristled as Allen mentioned the girl. 

“What does it have to do with anything?,” he spat and Allen was about to state the obvious again when Kanda made a good use of the key he was holding and opened his door, in the next instant shutting it behind himself. He let out a tiny breath of relief. Good thing Allen was too absorbed with talking to pay much mind where they were or else he could’ve probably predicted what Kanda was going to do. But it was over for now, no more pestering bean sprouts. 

Or so he thought. 

“ _Seriously, Kanda. You act like you don’t know me_ ,” came a muffled voice from behind his door and a loud click of his lock made him want to slap himself. Damned lock-picking. 

Allen stepped in and switched the light on in the familiar room, the next moment unhurriedly proceeding to lock the door again.  
“As I was going to say, I really know enough about you that you probably don’t want others to hear. What difference does it make?,” he said with a small smile, his silvery gray eyes twinkling. 

“Is that a threat?,” Kanda let out his customary ‘tch’, putting on a scowl. 

“No. But it can be, if that’s how you want to play it. Or― “ Allen got dangerously close to him, in the end backing him against the wall. “I can bribe you, “ he breathed hotly against his lips, successfully distracting him a bit. But Kanda was not about to give in. His pride was at stake. 

“I’m no te― saying you anything,” he begun in a hard tone, but then visibly deflated after his small pause, tiny blush appearing on his cheeks.

Seriously, _blush_. Allen could count on fingers of his one hand how many times he have seen Kanda do that. And hey, they were really creative in bed sometimes. 

“ ‘Saying me’? What kind of grammar is that?,” Allen laughed a little, but then a sudden realization downed on him. Studying Kanda’s face suspiciously, he made himself sure he was onto something. “What was that? Is ‘tell’ some kind of problem?” He lowered his eyelids when the swordsman’s blush deepened, mentally congratulating himself. “And I’m no linguist, but I do know there is no ‘l’ in Japanese. Or is there?,” he asked, cocking his head and laughed at Kanda’s embarrassment, kissing him to lift his spirits a little. 

“Shut up about it if front of everyone or I’m going to murder you, bean sprout,” Kanda growled when Allen detached himself from him. 

“ ‘I _will kill_ you if you _tell_ anyone, _Allen_ ’, you mean,” the albino laughed, not able to contain his mirth. How much more adorable can such a brutish bastard get? 

“Just fucking _shut up_ ,” Kanda growled, feeling he lost this battle completely. 

“Gladly,” Allen offered him a charming smile and got down to his knees, throwing Kanda a dirty look. 

As the albino fiddled with his belt and then proceeded to make Kanda lose his mind, the man thought that maybe the humiliation was a tiny bit worth it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before someone mentions it, I know that the idea behind this short story is a bit unreasonable since there are many words Kanda simply has to use (like ‘Earl’ or ‘general’ or ‘Tiedoll’ even) and that if he has problems with ’l’ then he should have with ‘v’ as well, but let’s not go there. I just really wanted to write it. 
> 
> And yes, I assure you Kanda doesn’t use a single word with ‘l’ in it in this fic 8D


	3. Fight

Things could have been nice and peaceful. Really could. Kanda himself thought he was being fairly cooperative up until this very moment. Count on one Allen Walker to go and ruin it with his idiocy. 

“What are you doing, you cretin?,” Kanda growled, instantly yanking back at what Allen attempted to brutally take away from him. The nerve of him, the brat should be grateful Kanda even let him be there.   
But no, he was far from grateful. In fact, he turned out to be egoistic enough to only tighten his grip, apparently set on stealing Kanda’s property. And there people though he was a good person. As if.

“Well, what about you? Why can’t you just share?,” Allen half-whined, pulling with all his might, knuckles turning white. 

“Why should I? It’s mine,” Kanda scoffed, stating the obvious. 

“No, it’s not!”

“Yes, it is!” Kanda wasn’t having it. Nothing could make him give up his claim. To make sure the stupid bean sprout understands that, he started jabbing at his ribs with a very persistent elbow. 

“It’s not yours, it’s the Order’s, JerKanda!,” Allen cringed at the pain in his side, kicking Kanda’s shin in revenge. 

“It’s in my room, freak,” the swordsman stressed as if that solved everything, still pulling stubbornly. And when Allen started to use practically the whole weight of his body to try and win with him, Kanda got a devious idea. Throwing the albino a victorious smirk, he let go altogether and the younger male only managed to let out a strangled yelp and there he was, sprawled on his back on the cold floor. 

“I hate you,” he stated as he got up, groaning. Rubbing over his hurting tailbone, he decided it was time for drastic measures. “You know, Kanda, I really wanted to avoid doing that, but you give me no choice,” he huffed at his lover exasperatedly, but a daring scowl was the only response he got. In the next instant – before the stubborn man could say anything to stop him once he noticed what was about to happen – Allen forced his way under the covers that Kanda monopolized once more, pressing his body close to the swordsman’s much wormer one, spooning him. 

“Get off,” Kanda snarled, but otherwise made no move to get rid of him and the albino fought down the sigh that wanted to come out, purposefully ignoring him. 

He really, really loved the grouchy bastard and all, but―  
Did they really have to do that every time? 

“Your feet are cold,” Kanda grumbled, displeased. 

“Yeah, you can try to guess why,” Allen rolled his eyes, adjusting his arm around Kanda’s waist to rest a hand over his stomach. 

The thing was – Kanda stubbornly claimed he liked to have a bit of space when sleeping. Allen tried to respect that, but it was really hard sometimes. Especially during winter, since the swordsman would always take all the covers to himself if they were too far apart, being it his room or Allen’s.   
Besides, in all honesty, the albino knew it wasn’t really about ‘space’. He didn’t plan to ever call Kanda on that, but it was just that whenever they fell asleep being close, the morning would find the man nuzzling contently into Allen’s chest and he just felt embarrassed for that, pride wounded and all that. What with Kanda’s vicious personality or Allen being the more petite one between them, right? Well. Hating himself for loving cuddling – was there another person on this planet with a stupid problem like that? 

It took a while, but a moment came when Kanda relaxed against him at last, probably too comfortable to play cold anymore.   
Allen tried to fight his smile and failed miserably when the man inched a bit closer, tangling their legs and rubbing his partner’s chilled feet with his to warm them up, all the while trying not to be obvious about what he was doing. Laughing quietly, Allen caressed the side of Kanda’s face with his nose. “Thanks,” he whispered. 

“Whatever,” the man scoffed quietly, stiffening a little. 

His smile only widening, Allen tightened his embrace in case Kanda decided to be stubborn again.


	4. Crisis

Kanda was pretty sure Allen was getting stupider every damn time they had sex. It was like seeing his naked body made the albino instantly unable to think and every touch was an instant and permanent death to his brain cells. 

“Ouch! What was that for?,” Allen sputtered indignantly as he rubbed his head that was just assaulted by a flying slipper. 

“I said, where is the fucking shampoo?,” Kanda growled from his place behind the partially open bathroom door, his hair already wet and dripping, a displeased scowl on his face. 

“I’ve heard you the first time, you know,” Allen grumbled, getting closer to his partner.

“You could have answered instead of just staring then, you cretin.”

“Well, it’s not my fault you look like that. Be considerate.” The bean’s expression was dangerously close to a pout. 

“I am. I made you a favour and wrapped my ass in a towel. Now where. Is. The. Fucking. Shampoo.” When Allen was close enough that the infuriated man could reach for him without dripping water all over the floor other than the bathroom’s, he twisted his fist in his shirt, shaking him not-so-lightly to accentuate his every word. 

“Shampoo… dunno. Haven’t I bought it?,” Allen asked distractedly, his eyes already trailing low. Sending a provocative smile that Kanda had an embarrassing weakness for, he pressed a few of his fingers against the soft skin of his inner tights, just below the line of the fluffy towel.

“Apparently not.” The long haired man had half a mind to punch him if Allen was still going to fail to see the crisis Kanda was facing. “It’s not in the damned shower stall,” he snarled, shaking Allen once more for a good measure. 

He tried so hard not to let his scowl falter when Allen slowly, very slowly, moved his fingers upwards. 

“It’s not… hmm…,” Allen repeated absently, obviously having no idea what was being said to him and completely unworried about it. 

“Go die! I’ll wash my hair with a fucking soap!”

Allen wasn’t entirely sure why Kanda suddenly pushed him away and shut the door in front of his face, but damn, was he hot when he was mad. 

#$%

Kanda wished that situations like the one with shampoo were just a once-in-a-while thing, but no. Oh fuck no. They were his damned everyday life. 

“How in the fucking hell did you manage to leave the fucking groceries in the damned shop?,” Kanda was mad, profanities popping out every few words as he spoke. Because seriously, what kind of idiot does―

No. Never mind. It wasn’t a kind of idiot. It was only this damned particular idiot that was stupid enough to lose things right after buying them. 

Besides the heavy cursing and insulting, Kanda was speechless. It was too late for his boyfriend. There was no cure. But the worst part was probably the fact Kanda still didn’t really want to leave him to die some lonely, pathetic death – like forgetting to breathe or something. After all that Allen put him through, he unexplainably seemed unable to get rid of the fondness he had for the other man. 

“Fine! Sorry!” Those were Allen’s words, but nothing in his behaviour indicated he sincerely regretted his actions. Especially not his furrowed eyebrows and arms crossed on his chest. 

Kanda’s temper flared as he brought Allen’s face close to his own by furiously pulling at his collar and growled right into his face. “ ‘Sorry’ my ass!”

“That’s all because you called me after having a nap, Kanda! You shouldn’t do that!” It sounded like a serious accusation and Allen only realized it made no sense after a moment of staring at his lover’s part. “W-well, your voice is too distracting right after you wake up!,” he continued in the same manner, only with the small difference of having a faint blush dusting his cheeks now. 

Kanda let go of Allen and backed away with a resigned sigh. This brat was absolutely hopeless. Trying not to let his behaviour betray how a tingling warmth spread through his body at the albino’s words, Kanda combed his fingers through his loose hair in an embarrassed manner. 

“Whatever, just give me my money back. I’m not paying for a half of your fuck-up,” he murmured, but then bristled all over again when he noticed Allen staring at his hair and became aware his words didn’t hit the target yet again. “Fuck! How did you even manage to pay? It’s impossible for you to count with that brain of yours! Two plus two equals?”

Kanda was honestly seconds away from… well, he wasn’t sure from what. It wasn’t like there was anything he haven’t tried yet. Name it – he had done it. And none of it was bloody working. 

“Umm…,” Allen got startled out of his stupor by the sudden loudness of his partner’s voice, but it was more than clear he didn’t really know what he was being asked exactly. “Sex on the table, surely. Now,” he smirked like he believed his response was some witty comment and pulled Kanda close to him by tugging at his trousers’ loopholes. 

The Asian man was about to go bitching at him for not paying attention yet again, but on the last second he asked himself a fundamental question. Did he really want to fight or― 

It wasn’t a decision he would call hard. 

A few torn out buttons, one knocked-over chair and the whole kitchen floor sprinkled with sugar later, Kanda managed a confession he never thought he would. 

“I like maths,” he said breathlessly, a bit out of his right mind. It happened to him sometimes when he was spent and satisfied, mind filled with nothing but pleasant grogginess. 

“What?”

“And suddenly you heard,” Kanda growled, irritated. 

Allen smiled to himself. Kanda was so weird sometimes.


End file.
